I discovered something new about me this year, something I wouldn't have realized if I didn't leave home.
I haven't blogged in a long while, but this is something that should be in the record books.
I have loneliness issues.
First, Background.
As a kid growing up I was always around girls. Our best family friends as a kid had two girls and I spent a lot of time with them, they were my sisters. Then in high school a majority of the people who influenced my social life were all female, more sisters. Sisters who would talk to me about everything: movies, life, school, drama, and who I would spend a lot of time with. They were in an inner social circle that required time, patience and a long strenuous process of caring. I didn't think anything of it at the time, why would I? It's not like I didn't have guy friends, it's just that life made it so that I was spending a lot of time with my sisters. And it was a good thing, I notice now I'm much more caring, patient, and open compared to others dudes who are cocky, closed minded, selfish and don't have the ability to look at their actions from others' perspectives. But then I left all my sisters and started University.
This Year, First Semester.
In the beginning of the year everything was fine, I was in a new, exciting environment where everything was great and no one noticed each others' flaws yet. After a month or so I began to miss a lot of my sisters a lot, but all of them are terrible at keeping in touch, lucky me. But it was then I started feeling really lonely. Sure I had a bunch of dudes in my dorm that lived right next to me but spending time with them just wasn't and still isn't the same, too much testosterone and not enough feels1. I felt isolated, out of place and straight up lonely. At the same time a girl on my floor (we'll call her Lisa2) made the decision to leave the University after the semester ended. Lisa is from Saskatchewan but unlike me did not get as good of a high school education - I'll rant later about Sask's terrible education system later. Essentially, Alberta's education system is better and the learning curve for her to go from a normal Sask education to an Albertan post-secondary institution was too high to get the grades she needed. So I started talking to her a lot, wondering why there were rumors about her leaving and eventually we became really close, enough for her to join my super exclusive inner circle. Lisa became another sister and she really helped me cope even though we both didn't know it, I owe her a lot. The semester ended and she left.
This Year, Second Semester.
Again I didn't think much of the situation, I missed my new sister a lot (and we still text a lot today) but not having a sister to be with in person was hard. Though I continued to try and keep in contact with sisters from back home, that ended quickly, conversations need to be two ways. Lonelier and lonelier I got. By the end of the month the dynamic on my floor started to change, we were noticing that we weren't all such a good bunch of like-minded people, some of us before others. Two girls on my floor began to segregate themselves from the rest of us, so me being me I made it my job to try and get them involved and included. But slowly one of the girls (we'll call her Laura2) showed me the truth of our floor, that a lot of the people are uncaring and exclusive. I went out with her on her birthday and came home with drunk Laura bawling because she felt so uncared for. I didn't like that at all so I began to segregate myself from the floor as well while also becoming really good friends with Laura, a new sister. Laura and I became super tight, whether it was studying together or taking care of each other when the other got sick. She's a health nut and inspired me to pursue a healthier lifestyle and body (I look really good these days :D).
Present
A few days ago Laura's exams finished and she left the dorm to go back home, and lonely again all this clicked like puzzle pieces. I don't know where this goes from here, I'll probably end up doing a lot of research once my exams end. There really isn't much to say in this section except that this sucks and I need act on it. Maybe I need to loosen up the exclusivity of this inner circle of sisters, or just more actively pursue more (although both of those require the other).
Glad I got this off my chest. Maybe I'll be able to study more effectively now. I have Calculus, Programming and Mechanics exams left and a lot to learn still. I'll be ready though.
Can't wait to blog more this summer, I really did miss this.
As always you can check Innovating Life related activity of mine under the hashtag #InnovatingLife on Google+ , I'll be using that more and more as I get used to it.
Innovating Life
~ASKalburgi
1 - Feels: A wave of emotions that sometimes cannot be adequately explained.
2 - Names chosen using this random name generator http://goo.gl/yQCdl